Tifton Moms

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and at Tifton Moms, this cause is very important to us. In honor of this cause, we have put together an article that goes over what to do if you are in an abusive relationship to get out safely as well as how you can support a loved one through an abusive relationship, whether they’re trying to leave or not.

What to Know about Abuse

Being in an abusive situation, either as the partner of an abuser or the child of the victim/abuser can affect every aspect of daily life. Simple things can feel overwhelming and stressful, and it can feel like you are in a constant state of fight or flight. Walking on eggshells begins to feel normal.

Abuse doesn’t always look like physical harm, although that can certainly be a part of it. Abuse can also be control over your finances, isolations from your friends or family, threats to take your children away, or constantly making you feel less than. Many victims might stay in abusive situations because they think what they’re experiencing doesn’t “count” as abuse if their partner is not being physical with them, which is why it is important to understand the most common types of abuse:

• Emotional abuse: This type of abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are still intended to control, isolate, and/or frighten the victim. These can be more subtle and harder to identify, but are still very serious. Some of the common examples might include gaslighting, controlling what you can or can’t do, giving you the silent treatment, name-calling, isolating you from family and friends, humiliating you, constantly criticizing you, threatening you/children/pets, damaging belongings, cheating on you to intentionally hurt you, etc.
• Financial abuse: This type of abuse happens when the abuser uses their power and control to take over your finances. This can be an effective way for many abusers to control their victim and keep them from leaving. Some of the common ways financial abuse presents itself is through your partner providing you an allowance and closely monitoring how you spend it, deposting your paycheck into an account you can’t access, preventing you from viewing or accessing bank accounts, keeping you from working and/or limiting how much you can work, stealing money from you or family/friends, living in your home but refusing to work or contribute to the household, refusing to provide money for necessary shared expenses, etc.
• Physical abuse: This is often what most people imagine when they think of domestic violence, and it is the easiest type of abuse for most people to identify. It includes both the use of physical violence (hitting, choking, kicking, etc.) as well as the threat of physical violence to control the victim. While most people can recognize obvious signs of physical abuse, other signs include:
  • Preventing you from contacting emergency services, including medical attention or law enforcement
  • Harming your children or pets  
  • Driving recklessly or dangerously with you in the car
  • Abandoning you in an unfamiliar place
  • Forcing you to use drugs or alcohol, especially if you have a history of substance abuse
  • Trapping you in your home or preventing you from leaving
• Sexual abuse: This type of abuse happens when a partner controls the physical and sexual intimacy in a relationship, acting in a way that is not consensual or forced. Rape is sexual abuse, but other examples include:
  • Making you dress in a sexual way you don’t feel comfortable with
  • Insulting you in sexual ways or calling you explicit names
  • Choking or holding you down during sex without consent
  • Ignore your feelings regarding sex

While the types of abuse listed above provide a good overview of what abuse can look like, it is not comprehensive. To learn more about all the different types of abuse, we recommend this website.

How Domestic Violence Affects Children

While many parents stay in abusive relationships for their children, it’s important to note that for children living in homes with abuse, even without direct harm to the children, they are still at risk for long-term emotional and psychological trauma just from witnessing the abuse.

How Domestic Violence Victims Can Escape as Safely as Possible

Getting out of an abusive relationship is not easy, especially when children are involved, and it can be dangerous in many cases. However, escape is possible, and there is help available.

Acknowledge the abuse.

One of the first steps to making it out of an abusive relationship is acknowledging what is really happening. Abusers can be very manipulative and convince victims that the abuse is not that bad and/or that it is the victim’s fault, but this is not true. Whether you are being physically abused or not, you are still experiencing abuse and realizing this is the first step to getting out.

Reach out for help.

When you have decided you’re ready to leave, there is local help available. Ruth’s Cottage and The Patticake House is a local domestic violence shelter in Tift County that can help you and your family. While they do provide shelter to victims in need, they can also help you get a Temporary Protective Order (TPO), create a safety plan, and just talk with you about what’s going on. You can reach them at 229-388-1541, and again, it’s important to note you can call them even if you just want to talk through what you’re experiencing. Their help line is not just for those who want or need shelter.

With help, create a safety plan.

As mentioned above, leaving an abusive relationship can be tricky and dangerous in some situations, but with a safety plan in place, you can be free. We recommend talking with someone at Ruth’s Cottage and The Patticake House or another domestic violence hotline (National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233) when you are planning to leave as this can be really helpful in making a safety plan and the best way to leave to keep you and your family safe. However, some things to consider are:

• Packing a go-bag. Include things like copies of IDs, birth certificates, medications, keys, cash, clothes, etc.
• Know where you can go in an emergency, whether that’s a shelter like Ruth’s Cottage and The Patticake House or a friend or family member.
• Memorize or write down important phone numbers.
• Teach your children how to call 911 if necessary if they’re old enough.
• Avoid confrontation when leaving if you fear for your safety. Plan instead to leave when the abuser is not around if at all possible.

How to Support a Loved One in an Abusive Relationship

If you’re someone who has a friend or family member in an abusive relationship, it can be heartbreaking and frustrating, especially if they’re not ready to leave yet. A few things that are important to remember if you’re in this situation:

• It takes a victim an average of seven times to leave an abusive relationship.
• Your loved one’s abuser has spent a lot of time wearing down your loved one’s self-worth, making them believe that they deserve the abuse and/or that the abuse is their fault.
• Many victims want the violence and abuse to end, but they may still feel love towards their partner and want the relationship to work.
• Starting over, especially after an abusive relationship can be overwhelming and scary.

If you have a friend or family member in an abusive relationship, they need your support. You can support them by:

• Believing them without judgement and without pressure to leave before they’re ready.
• Stay connected with them through texts, calls, coffee dates, or other opportunities. Abusers often try to isolate their victims to make leaving harder, but if you make an effort to stay connected to them, it can be a lifeline.
• Let them know you are a safe place, if and when they are ready to leave.
• Offer practical support when they’re ready like information on local resources, help packing a safety bag, driving the victim, etc.

Tifton Moms is a resource dedicated to the moms and families of Tifton, Georgia and beyond to help them find the information they need about events in Tifton and Southwest Georgia, resources in Tifton and beyond, educational tips, and so much more. We are passionate about all things parenting and our community, and we want to connect you to relevant resources, local businesses, can’t-miss events, and each other! Find more helpful articles at https://tiftonmoms.com/blog/.